my heart is an open palm, exposed and raw
In my land of bright lights you are effervescent -
Overwhelming at once, I am oblivious the next.
You are the palpable product of words I never meant,
Of clouded judgement, infinite dreams; my sweet Regret.
My conscience weighs you down and embeds you
Somewhere in the murky depths of this sepulchral soul.
Yet there is little want of redemption for what I do,
And you and your kind maketh the stories I never told.
Even now I would sing that I am yours, Yours!
As I believe you are mine in all your tainted forms.
Sucker as I am for your taste, touch and allure,
The beauty of folly is not weeping when all else mourns.
So this is an ode to my ill-fated penchant for
Secrets I have to keep, and everything that
I loved to hold but not to possess.
That I wish to forget, but forget to regret.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
i feel bleargh right now. because i am currently aimless and it's that feeling when you're like hovering in mid-air feeling nauseous yet the truth is that you feel like you're hovering. so that means you can't give excuses for not doing anything because your two feet are firmly planted on the ground (as in literally. figuratively, nah.) basically, i'm not in the best of moods nowadays. i'm telling you it's that measure essay. it's been nagging at the back of my head since last friday. honestly, i aint got any clue on how to start this one. whatever, i'll work it out somehow but i'm like feeling this frustration even before i start. heck i havent even started thinking and i feel frustrated already. i am such a nerd sometimes. i wish i could be one of those people who can seriously not give two hoots about homework and disregard what teachers think of them. in a twisted sense, i kinda admire them. life's much easier that way. mom tells me 'take it easy' and then i jes go on to think 'yeah right. you won't be saying that if i flunk'.
why does it always have to be me and my grades. i go about my daily life smiling and having fun but at the back of my mind its nagging, its always there like an omnipresent burden such that its almost tangible. then i try to stash it away but as i said its omnipresent so it jes haunts me. mom says im stressing myself out. dear mom, perhaps you would like to know that mr sayers tells me if i don't feel stressed i ought to be worried. yet somehow i don't really like what he tells us despite how much i like him as my teacher. you see, how is it normal now that feeling stressed is supposed to be your life? because feeling stressed brings along with it side effects. i can almost 'swear' (not because i'm unsure of what i'm feeling, but because i can't swear) that i feel jittery most of the time, if not ALL the time. fangsy tells me i get stressed really easily and i think she's damn right. ha ha see she's really my good friend. ARGH what am i doing writing all this. i probably sound neurotic. i think it's that book i've been reading. i'm starting to admire the main character Kafka for being able to jes let go of everything and on one fine day, decide that he's quitting school for good and he's going to be the strongest fifteen year old on the planet. ridiculous i know, but yet it's not like remotely impossible too. and that's what kills me. we do have a choice but we're carried away by expectations, and all of a sudden what you really want out of life fades into oblivion and we lose focus of what we set our eyes on. okay fine even when we're studying that happens too but we don't really give a damn right. because in the first place we, or at least i, don't really want to be in this situation. UGHHH. okay i feel like a complete idiot for ranting and this is such a long entry i need to end now. kudos to those who actually got to this sentence.
.thgin doog
written with ♥ at
9:36 AM;
